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The Reality of Recovery

It sucks.

Like it really, really sucks. 

And my mom taught me not to use that word lightly (totally just used it twice).

But truly, it does. I’m actually writing this at 4:10 in the morning because I was so hungry I couldn’t sleep. So I’m eating a slice of banana bread… and it’s really hard. This is the first time I’m doing this. I usually just make myself a cup of coffee, or I force myself to fall back to sleep, or I just stay up and wait until it’s “time” for breakfast.  But I listened to my body and it sucks.

The mental battle that recovery brings is agonizing. I’m at that point where I don’t know if I’m choosing recovery or if I’m just continuing to relapse, but maybe that is the process of recovery?

I’m just trying to figure things out and I’m trying to heal… but what does that look like? The reality is – I have no freaking idea.

We see other amazing people in recovery and we think to ourselves, “Oh so is this what I’m supposed to be doing? Is this the way I should be recovering?” The answer is – nope. All these “supposed to’s” and “should be’s” are unnecessary expectations we are trying to set for ourselves.

Who ever said recovery was supposed to look a certain way? Feel a certain way? Be a certain way? (maybe a couple people but guess what they’re wrong lol).

Recovery is not linear.

And that sucks.

Trust me, I wish it was a lot simpler than that. I wish recovery was some easy and super magical journey that felt like rainbows and amazing-ness but… it’s not. If it was that easy, it probably wasn’t a big deal in the first place. But it’s a major problem and it takes major effort. 

Recovery is whatever recovery feels and looks like for you. It’s not that instagram account you idolize. It’s not forcing yourself to look a certain way. It’s not a certain way.

It’s a process. It’s horrible. It’s confusing. It’s beautiful. It’s everything. It’s entirely up to you.

So maybe recovery for me right now is eating a slice of banana bread at 4 in the morning in tears.

Maybe I wake up later and it’ll feel better.

And maybe it won’t.

But so it goes.

Xoxo, J.

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Friday Reflection & Finds · Uncategorized

Friday Reflection & Finds


Happy Friday, dolls!

Congrats, you made it to the weekend!! It’s been quite a week, lemme tell ya.

1.) I’m 99% sure I have a stress-fracture in my right foot, so that means no running 😦

2.) It’s been insanely hot almost every single day, and for some reason I still don’t have a tan? Tragic, I know.

3.) A trip to the eye doctor is definitely in my future. Even though I already have lenses, my vision has gotten worse in the past year. New lenses means new frames, so it’s not so bad.

I found a bit of links exciting this week so I thought I’d share them with you guys!

These Thin Mint Cookie Overnight Oats look to die for. I’m a sucker for dessert for breakfast.

As a gal who suffers from acne scars herself, this post is definitely being bookmarked!

Graham crackers in pancakes?? Sign me up.

Watermelon is definitely the fruit of the summer. This post shares fun ways you can eat it!

35 act of kindness! You never know who might need it 🙂

SO obsessed with this two-piece set!!

I hope you all enjoyed your week and checked out some of these links! Wishing you all a fabulous weekend ❤️

Xoxo, J.

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Emotional Reaction to Body Changes

You’re not going to look the same as you did yesterday. Heck, you won’t look the same as you did 5 minutes ago… We are constantly changing.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the same “perfect” and impossible standard society set up for us to follow. We spend our time scrolling through Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, etc… looking at other women, men, people… wishing we could look like them, be them. But it’s not that simple.

Our bodies are so different from one another. Sure most of us have the same bones, the same organs, the same insides, body parts, etc. But we are so different. Our features are unique. Our personalities are unique. Our way of being is unique. We are not one and the same. We are different, and we are authentically beautiful.

Your body might look a bit different than it did yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that… There might be a crack, a mark, a bloated tummy, a scar… anything that wasn’t there the last time you looked. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Sure, you could fix that piece of hair that’s bugging you. Or you could get laser treatment on your stretch marks, look up ways to alter your body… but does that really fix the so-called “problem?” Does that fix the emotional response connected to it?

No amount of treatment, exercise, ritual, etc… will make you feel better internally. How you feel about yourself can come from so many different things. Your looks, your thoughts, how you feel, etc. But only what you give power to has power over you. Try to get out of your own head, appreciate your body, and appreciate yourself.

Xoxo, J.

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Putting your happiness in another person

“They make me so happy!”

“I can’t imagine my life without them.”

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost them.”

Sound familiar? While these statements can be a positive thing, they might result in false happiness and heartbreak. 

We so often confuse other people’s presence for genuine happiness. While other people can help and navigate you through your self-love and self-happiness journey, they aren’t the key to it.

I believe every soul has a light in it, and sometimes that light dims or goes out. Then, let’s say a person comes into your life and it starts to light up a bit. We might start to believe that the reason why we feel so good and so “happy,” is because of that person. And if we lose that person or they leave us, we’ll lose that happiness.

Say that things unfortunately don’t work out, or the person god forbid leaves this Earth… What and how do you feel? Sadness, yes. But do you feel like all of your happiness and all the good in your life is gone? That’s when it becomes a problem.

I know how it feels to be with a person who makes you feel so good. It feels like nothing else matters and that all of your sadness and problems are gone. But you have to ask yourself, “Am I only happy because I have them?”

“Am I ignoring my actual problems because they make me feel okay?”

Knowing the difference won’t save you from heartbreak, but you’ll know if you’re genuinely happy or if you’re confusing another person for that “happiness.” And that’s not to say that you shouldn’t be with that person or you shouldn’t have them in your life, but that you still might have things to work on within yourself. And that’s perfectly okay.

Xoxo, J.

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Listening to your heart instead of your head

A lot of people will tell you to listen to your head, that your brain is always right. Our head is where our logical thoughts reside, but sometimes you can’t hear them. Sometimes your thoughts are clouded by negativity, stress, judgement, etc.

I’m more of a heart over head type of gal. From personal experience, I haven’t had a good track record with listening to my head. My head is filled with negative thoughts, restrictions, and self-doubt. So my heart comes in handy when I want to know what it is I truly have, and want to do.

I’ve been hearing my heart a lot recently. It telling me what I need to do in order to be happy, to be free. My heart is begging me to listen, and I haven’t been. So here’s what it’s been telling me: “Jillian, what are you doing? Why are you spending each day at war with yourself? You have got to let yourself free. Let this pain go.”

So why do we spend so much time ignoring what our heart is telling us? We sit back and let our minds take over. Listening to your heart is sometimes what you should, and all that you can do.

My heart is telling me to choose recovery. What is yours telling you?

Xoxo, J.

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First post + Welcome to my blog

Hi everyone! Welcome to my blog.

I’m Jillian (but you can just call me, J). Some of you may know me from my Instagram, Tumblr, or maybe in real life! (That’s kinda scary though because this is super personal, but whatcha gonna do right??) Also, some of you may know me from my previous WordPress blog that was named “blondepancake.” Though that blog was so near and dear to my heart, I had to let it go. It was a mask. A mask that hid my true feelings and obvious struggles. It’s hard to be honest about things like that, but that’s what I want this new blog to be about.

Honesty is such an important aspect and key in recovery (and in just general life). No one will ever know how you truly feel because you are the one feeling it.

I want this blog to be about my honest and true recovery. No “trying to make it sound better.” No “walking on eggshells.” Just raw and real. Because that’s what recovery is. It’s not pretty. It’s not perfect. And it’s different for everyone.

I want this space (my space) to be a safe space. A safe space for not only me, but for you. To offer your opinions, your advice, your struggles, to reach out for help, to be YOU… I want you to feel safe here. I want you to be honest here. And I want you to be you here. Because maybe being you here can help you be you out there in the real world.

Welcome to my blog. I’m going to be sharing my life, my recovery from my eating disorder, my struggles, my triumphs, my journey back to running, social issues, the stigma behind mental illness, and so much more. Again, you are welcome here. You are invited here. You are safe here.

Oh, and I am so happy you are here.
Xoxo, J.

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