Like it really, really sucks.
And my mom taught me not to use that word lightly (totally just used it twice).
But truly, it does. I’m actually writing this at 4:10 in the morning because I was so hungry I couldn’t sleep. So I’m eating a slice of banana bread… and it’s really hard. This is the first time I’m doing this. I usually just make myself a cup of coffee, or I force myself to fall back to sleep, or I just stay up and wait until it’s “time” for breakfast. But I listened to my body and it sucks.
The mental battle that recovery brings is agonizing. I’m at that point where I don’t know if I’m choosing recovery or if I’m just continuing to relapse, but maybe that is the process of recovery?
I’m just trying to figure things out and I’m trying to heal… but what does that look like? The reality is – I have no freaking idea.
We see other amazing people in recovery and we think to ourselves, “Oh so is this what I’m supposed to be doing? Is this the way I should be recovering?” The answer is – nope. All these “supposed to’s” and “should be’s” are unnecessary expectations we are trying to set for ourselves.
Who ever said recovery was supposed to look a certain way? Feel a certain way? Be a certain way? (maybe a couple people but guess what they’re wrong lol).
Recovery is not linear.
And that sucks.
Trust me, I wish it was a lot simpler than that. I wish recovery was some easy and super magical journey that felt like rainbows and amazing-ness but… it’s not. If it was that easy, it probably wasn’t a big deal in the first place. But it’s a major problem and it takes major effort.
Recovery is whatever recovery feels and looks like for you. It’s not that instagram account you idolize. It’s not forcing yourself to look a certain way. It’s not a certain way.
It’s a process. It’s horrible. It’s confusing. It’s beautiful. It’s everything. It’s entirely up to you.
So maybe recovery for me right now is eating a slice of banana bread at 4 in the morning in tears.
Maybe I wake up later and it’ll feel better.
And maybe it won’t.
But so it goes.